Wendy ALLEN - NEWSLETTERS

I get so many questions e-mailed to my website. People across the country are looking for answers about how to be happy. While I can’t do therapy long distance, I can give my best advice. With permission and editing granted and anonymity guaranteed, I have reprinted some of the Questions and Answers here:

I have a good life. I like my job and love my family. But I find myself overreacting to the news in the paper every day. It seems like it is all bad and I am always anxious. Maybe this is a normal response to all the terrible news but I can’t live this way. Can you help?

It might very well be normal to react with anxiety to all the terrible news in the paper. I have noticed that I’d like to stay in denial and just live my life. Sometimes I wish there was a section of the paper about good news–all the acts of lovingkindness that Americans everywhere offer each other. Our culture does not seem to want us to learn more about this.

How to be happy and be aware? Spiritual instruction of your choice could really help.

Finding deeper meaning in everyday actions may bring your focus to a new level where you feel like you have some control.

There has been a huge amount a research in Positive Psychology in the past decade. Read Martin Seligman’s book, Authentic Happiness or go to www.authentichappiness.com, register for free and take some of the tests offered there. He believes that happiness must be earned by many small tasks that are pro-active and can really change your mindset.

I am in his vanguard training class and use these concepts myself and in my practice.

I think my wife drinks too much. She is starting to embarrass me when we go out with friends. At first she’s fun, but then after a few more drinks she gets loud and argumentative.

When I try to talk with her about this the next day, she pooh-poohs it and tells me that "it’s nothing" and that she isn’t drinking more than anyone else. That’s not true. She definitely drinks more than me (I’m always the designated driver for her and our friends) in fact, they all drink more than me but I’m married to her, so she’s the one I have to worry about.

At home she can drink quietly all evening but then passes out early. The funny thing is, she doesn’t wake up with a hang-over. What can I do to get her to stop drinking so much?

When you ask, what can you do to get her not drink so much there’s a one-word answer for you–nothing. One person can never control another’s drinking. If your wife is an alcoholic, then you can’t talk "sense" into her. She will have to figure this out for herself.

You don’t seem to be having much fun with your friends or at home, either. I get the sense that you and your wife are pretty young and that’s the good news and the bad news.

The good news is that you get to start working on yourself. The bad news is that you may have to do it quickly.

Instead of trying to compare how much you and your wife do or don’t drink, why don’t you take your own prescription and cut ‘way down on how much you drink. You can’t ask someone you love to do something you’re not prepared to do. Why don’t you stop drinking altogether? You will learn quickly what you can tolerate or not. You may realize you’d like some new friends.

If you stop drinking and learn what you’re really all about, you may be more clear about your relationship with your wife.

My ex-wife keeps causing scenes at the drop-offs and pick-ups when we exchange our kids (5years and 8). She wants to talk about scheduling but she ends up raising her voice and talking about the past, about how I’m an awful parent, etc.etc. No matter how much I tell myself to keep calm, these exchanges end up with crying and yelling. I know this is bad for the kids. What can I do to make her stop?

First of all, you are putting all the blame on her but are giving me the distinct impression that by the end of the exchange you are a full participant in these "scene". You can’t control her but you can control yourself. Stay out of it? Become a robot and tell her (and yourself) over and over, "this stuff is best talked about away from the kids". She may be able to push your buttons but that’s still not a good enough excuse for you to jump in.

You’re right–this is terrible for your kids! It has to be stopped or they will lose their trust in both of you. You and your wife are much less important than the kids. Turn to them and ask, "what was that like for you?" and help them process their feelings. You are the grown-up and I have to assume you can handle your feelings but the kids may need a lot of help with theirs.

You and your wife need to grow up and stop using these exchanges as a way to get back at each other. You are hurting your kids and that has to stop!

F.A.Q's: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS THAT COME MY WAY