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Announcement: A repeat of my Anxiety Class: Eradicate Anxiety will be presented on Saturday, March 21 from 10-12. Call me at: 962-2212 for more information.
JUMP INTO YOUR BEST LIFE! FEBRUARY NEWSLETTER
Book:
The New Rules of Marriage: A Breakthrough Program
for 21st-Century Relationships
By Terrence Real
Check "The New Rules of Marriage" on Amazon.com
What I like about this book is everything. Terry Real's model for Marriage Therapy is just as brilliant as the one I have put together over the last 25 years, so of course I like it. He has taken his model much further and I believe it is more efficient than mine. Which is good news for all you paying customers!
This model is based on personal responsibility. His people don't talk about "how you've made me feel" but "what I've made up about what you did, said...that causes me to feel this way" This means that the therapist gives both clients, no matter what they've done, the tools to get out of the "red-zone" (the acting-out Adapted Child) into the "Green Zone" (the behaviors of the Functional Adults).
"RULE:WE ALL MARRY OUR UNFINISHED BUSINESS"
Lifelong patterns are broken because you take yourself out of the red zone and into the green by mostly changing your behaviors. So it is very action-oriented, which is a great relief to each partner. Instead of sticking with "I'm right , you're wrong" and getting stuck in a pattern of I'll do this thing to you and then you'll do that back to me and soon we're in a dance that never changes, this book offers hope. Hope that each partner can change if willing, keep changing the more they are aware of their behaviors throughout the lifeline of the relationship.
This model works best with married people--those who want change to those on the brink. Married people are very committed, as a whole, and don't want to become more self-destructive, really. We want to be more loved and become more loving. Otherwise, why be married?
I like this model so much that I am in the middle of a very rigorous and very expensive training to become one of their therapists.
So, the theory goes that because of everything we are, when stressed or triggered by the very partner we picked, we often retreat to very protective, defensive postures when threatened, mad, or sad. That's just human nature. Yet, to get unstuck we have to let go of these defenses that come from our Family of Origin and don't serve us or love in any way, any more.
I give my clients a picture of a grid of four quadrants that describe places of defensiveness behavior. We all tend to go to one of them when we are upset, triggered, and at our worst. This in itself can be very revealing and healing. It might remind how/why we learned our particular pattern of self-destructive behavior towards ourselves and in the marriage. We might become aware of who/why we took on these behaviors and why it's really a good idea to get to the center--the Healthy Marriage--as soon as possible.
Imagine a square dived into four parts. The top of the square is labeled: Grandiose and the bottom is labeled Shame. Within the grid the four quadrants are :
- Upper Left: :One -Up (Grandiose) Withdrawal (behind a wall): Indifference, passive-aggression, and "you're not worthy" thoughts or behaviors.
- Lower Left: One-Down (Shame) Withdrawal: resignation, withdrawal, depressed.
Both walled up extremes are love-avoidant. (That's not what you want to be, right?)
The opposite side of the grid is the Boundaryless, love-dependent positions (that's not empowered, right?)
- Upper Right: Boundaryless and one up (Grandiose): Control and Anger
- Lower Right: Boundaryless and one down (Shame): Desperation and Manipulation
For example, at the training I attended to learn this, there were four couples and four therapists. (I could see how powerful the work was for the couples.) The facilitator divided the floor into the four quadrants with duct tape and asked us to place ourselves where we thought we went to at out worst.
The four therapists (myself included), immediately placed ourselves in the upper Left quadrant: Withdrawal and Grandiose. If you are currently not, can you imagine being married to a therapist? Now this might begin to make sense to you.
One of the major points of this work is how to get out of your quadrant. When we get triggered we go into "Red" which is high-arousal, acting-out energy (Adapted Child) that has us retreat to our quadrant. As you can imagine, trying to communicate or resolve something when we are in the Red is not a good idea.
In this work, my clients are taught how to shift from Red to Green energy, which is calmer. That brings you into the center of the square--a much more productive place--where you can work out of your Functional Adult.
"RULE: BOTH PARTNERS NEED TO BE EMPOWERED, NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE ON THE GRID."
Healing in the marriage has a lot to do with:
- Taking responsibility for your feelings
- Learning how to bring yourself into green as soon as you can
- Communicating what you are trying to do--ex: "Honey, I'd like to work this out with you but I'm going to need a half-hour break to get myself into Green. (Beginning clients often need an hour, a half-day, a day, but hey, as long as it takes to get into Green)
- Empowering yourself by learning better boundaries rather than Withdrawal and Boundaryless.
"EMPOWERMENT WITHIN YOURSELF EMPOWERS WHAT YOU GIVE THE MARRIAGE."
And there's much more that I will explain in future newsletters.
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ABOUT WENDY ALLEN, Ph.D.
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Wendy Allen, PhD, has been a psychotherapist for 20 years in Santa Barbara. Her PhD is in Clinical Psychology and Organizational Development. She travels across the country presenting programs for psychotherapists, health care professionals and business people who want to become leaders in the workplace, including anyone who wants to achieve personal and professional goals towards more success, fulfillment and profit.
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WENDY ALLEN COACHING
1207 De La Vina
Santa Barbara CA 93101
805-962-2212 (Voice)
805-685-2212 (Fax)
weallen@earthlink.net
www.wendyphd.com ; www.privatepracticesuccess.com
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