IMAGO THERAPY: Watching Me, Watching You

          IMAGO therapy is a lovely model of couples/marriage therapy designed by Harville Hendrix, PhD. IMAGO is best understood as addressing our Real Self, which is often hidden from our own awareness. It is considered a "developmental" model of therapy, meaning that a large amount of personal healing and personal growth can only take place in the context of an intimate relationship .Imago therapy teaches couples to make their relationships more and more intimate while teaching skills each person can do individually and within the marriage.

          Intimacy doesn't have to hurt! As we all know, there are many wonderful rewards for being very close to someone. Intimacy is very healing. It brings up all our "stuff" from the past and the present that we may not be happy to see.

          The surprise of our "stuff" showing up so vividly in relationship, even when we've thought we've dealt with it already, is the big phenomenon addressed by developmental therapy. It used to be that clinicians only talked about human developmental in terms of how children grew stages adults went through.

          Now we know that as adults we keep growing and changing and consequently, we need knew skills to help us reach the next levels sanely.

          I also want to say that as a couples therapist I help my clients reach the next levels of growth with the least amount of "damage" done to themselves and/or their relationship. This damage part is very common for all of us.

          We tend to blame ourselves or our partner when we're on the rocky journey. In fact, we often choose a partner who is perfect to not only push our buttons (through some kind of non-verbal radar!) but also play right into our naturally evolved world-view that is triggered by our stuff.

          What do I mean? Because of who we are, psychologically, bio-chemically, mentally, physically and because of our born-with personality, we reach adulthood as a product of all this plus the impacts of the parenting and family dynamics we went through growing up. We have baggage, sometimes more than we ever realized.

          This is bad and good news. The bad news is it will all come up in our loving relationship. The good news is, you can learn to experience it and observe it correctly-not as a way to be mean to yourself or your partner, but as great material to use to fix things. You can learn to detach somewhat and get fascinated. Relationships aren't for the faint-hearted.

 
How to Clear Up Projections:

1. We choose a partner who acts as a perfect "actor" in our own movie. They are the perfect foil for what we project upon them, meaning we project any uncomfortable personal or family material onto them and see them within that illusion. Then, we don't have to work with it ourselves. We can see them in that role and wonder why we are always choosing the "wrong" partner.
    
2. I had a teacher who said, "everything is projection and projection is everything."
    
3. The best action is to reclaim your projections form your partner and work with them yourself. For example, two partners are often living with two different perspectives on reality. First, we make them fit exactly who we want them to be. Then, when they act "differently" we can see how we really don't know them.
    
4. Very clear communication about your essence and what you need can help each of you reclaim your projections: "When you do________, I feel _________".
    
5. "I need to be nourished by you in exactly these ways____________."
   One of our jobs is to respond to our partner in this way, as we help them to heal within the mutually safe and soothing part of a relationship.
    
6. "I observe you this way_________________. I perceive you may be feeling or thinking this_______________________. Is any of that true for you?

Do you see how the true essence of who your partner really is can start to feel safe enough to start emerging? Your job is to detach from your assumptions and really get interested in who they really are.

What to do with Projections When You've Reclaimed Them:

1. Ex: "I see her just like my Mom. But now I hear that she really isn't. Why do I need to see her as just like my Mom? To replay an piece of unfinished business between me and my Mom? To get some kind goodie I don't feel right asking for?
    
2. Then, you may have to heal, grow and finish the past dynamic with your Mom or on your own. You will have to pay attention to your experience right before you get triggered and projected onto a partner who can't supply you with what you exactly need. You may have to learn how to do this your self.
    
3. From your clear statements about your "holes" and needs, your partner may be able to respond in some ways, not as your parent, but as your loving best friend.
    
4. This can take away any mutual blame or resentment you may carry about yourself or your partner.
    
5. This can also help you and your partner develop an honest, nurturing relationship that makes each of you stronger and willing to grow together.

          Book Alert: "The Amateur Marriage" by Anne Tyler. She has been one of my favorite writers for years. She rights about family and marriage dynamics in tender, funny novels. This is her latest novel and presents a clear and tender picture of one kind of marriage. We all may recognize parts of ourselves in this book.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Wendy Allen, PhD

"I Feel I'm Losing Touch with the Unrealistic View I Have of Him."