TOO BUSY TO READ? I've read it for you!
INTIMACY AND DESIRE
By David Schnarch
This is such a great book. I say that because it's the first one I've read of his that wasn't dense and labor-intensive to read and comprehend.. I'm not saying his previous books weren't brilliant..This one was written for both the clinician and the lay person alike so I understood it just fine. And I learned a lot from it, too.
As anyone who reads my newsletters knows, I am thrilled to use Terry Real's, Relational Model for Couples. Because there is very little new under the sun and great minds think alike or at least overlap, Schnarch's and Terry Real's both speak relational therapy, meaning how the relationship is implicit for personal growth and vice-versa. Schnarch emphasizes over and over the importance of having a well developed sense of Self, interdependent of your partner. He maintains that this is the only way to make a marriage work and to have a great sex life that is expansive and sustains over the years.
I trained with Schnarch for a week in Baltimore. He often said, “ a great relationship is not two people in the same canoe. 'We too shall be as one,' I, (Wendy) believe is one of the greatest relationship myths of all times. Each of us need to be in our own, sturdy and sound canoe, paddling alongside our partner.
In this book, Schnaarch addresses his model of healthy, wilder, sexuality that depends upon the growth and differentiation of the individual self. He also (inspired by Helen Fischer) unwraps why he feels individual brains evolved and co-evolved to bring us into the natural rhythms of partnership. Sometimes the rhythm flows smoothly and sometimes gets stuck in quagmires or stuck behaviors and losing strategies, as Real calls them. The losing strategies can last for decades during which we lose our sense of Self as well as our sexual intimacy and desire.
Scharch believes that all of these relational problems are part of a naturally evolving system that demands we strengthen and grow our individual Selves in order to move forward and together. He calls the quagmires, and fights, and problems that arise from them as perfect strategies for the growth of the Self to take place, since the only way “out” is to strengthen yourself to stay, more deeply, “in.”
Also, to add to all this, Schnarch weighs in with his own interpretation of how neuroplasticity, mirror neurons, and “mind-mapping” help facilitate and also develop from our relational selves.
Co-dependency here is a form of borrowed functioning, that is, leaning on the other consistently to create a semblance of a whole, but really an emotionally fused or co- This is a sure way to kill a marriage and eradicate sexual desire. The relational goal is to develop the differentiated Self to bring each partner into the practice of connecting through mirror neurons and mind-mapping. Couples who have a strong differentiated Self can chose to deepen intimacy and have better sex. This is not a paradox, rather, these are the marriages; the naturally fittest , that survive and evolve.
Your strong, individuated Self contains these Four Points of Balance:
1.Solid Flexible Self
2.Quiet Mind—Calm Heart
3.Grounded Responding, and
4.Meaningful Endurance. (being able to tolerate the uncomfortable)
Resolving sexual desire problems stretches your Four Points of Balance which in turn.controls the depth of your desire, intimacy, sexuality, and love. p.100
Desire fades when you stop growing. Evolution depends upon those who are willing to endure pain and discomfort. As we grow in differentiation and then, through neurological and physical intimacy, monogamy strengthens from martyrdom to freedom.
In an emotionally-fused relationship, your choices decrease as your partner starts to develop a more solid, flexible self.
“Partners eat each others hearts,” Schnarch says. “If you want to torture your partner, one of the best ways to do it is around sex. The best way to out of this cruelty involves (a) giving a clear and complete accounting of yourself and what you've been doing, and (b)giving your partner a fair shot at his own vision of happiness.” p.231
Attachment is all about security. Attachment, Schnarch believes, is about the freedom from's, that is, not wanting, not feeling vulnerable, and not hungering..Constant attempts to stay safe and secure will kill sexual desire. Marriage gives control to the person who wants to grow.
Collaborative alliances between differentiated partners involve (1) being honest even when its difficult, (2) not tampering with the truth (3)confronting yourself and letting your partner confront you and read you, and (4) operating from your Highest Self.
Skills: Building Collaborate Alliance for Great Sex.--2 of the Skills
#1.Hugging till relaxed: (1) Stand on your own two feet. (2) Put your arms around your partner (3) Focus on yourself (4). Quiet yourself down. Way down.
This seemingly simple exercise lets emotionally and physically alienated couples re-establish physical contact, which their normal (brief) sexual pattern does not permit. It can increase your Four Points of Balance, You can quiet yourself down if/when your partner floods with anxiety from this manifestation of vulnerability.
Scharch recommends trying ten seconds. Then two minutes, Then ten minutes. He says that using this techniques will integrate your right and left brain
#2.Heads on Pillows—this puts you right where couples have trouble and lets you do something about it. You will lie on your sides facing each other. Put your heads far enough apart so you can comfortably see each other. Gaze directly into your partner's eyes. You can touch each other with your closest arm. Also try and touch each others heart with your mind and your eyes. Settle down and give it a chance.
There are lots more exercises that are quite exciting and still could cause some anxiety. Pace yourselves as you try them. When you are good at them, the exercises bring you to Schnarch's great, fun chapter about the importance of f***ing,, an act full of intimacy,vulnerability, fun, freedom, and wildness that comes from two strong Selves feeding and fueling each other without inhibitions.
F***ing,he says is quite different than making love and couples don't do enough of it or may not know how to do.
After reading his chapter, I was certainly inspired to do all the exercises with my husband!
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