MARRIAGE AND THE GAP FIRE*

* I only felt o.k. to include the jokes in this newsletter because of our wonderful firefighters and other first responders who made sure there was no loss of life although I am sorry for the loss of arable lands on local farms.

TOP 10 SIGNS OF A PLEASURABLE RELATIONSHIP

1. Do you look forward to seeing each other every day, and start and end the day with kind words for each other?
2. Do you enjoy playing together—cards, chess, board games, golf, tennis, etc—or engaging in other recreational activities together?
3. Do you compliment each other at least five times more than you criticize one another, and speak positively about your partner to others?
4. Do you laugh together frequently and enjoy one another’s jokes and humor?
5. Do you easily forgive and forget?
6. Do you share almost everything and life free of territory, possessions, and attempts to dominate the relationships?
7. Do you sit quietly with one another just being together without watching television or reading?
8. Do you make love much more than you argue?
9. Do you respect each other even when one of you is behaving in an immature manner?
10. Is your family and the world a better place because of your relationship?

(From the Pleasurable Relationship Test by Paul Persall, Ph.D.)

We don’t have seasons here in our part of California like the rest of the country, but we do have Fire Season. For most of us it has become a drill of 1. pulling out the kerosene lamps, 2.silently reviewing evacuation lists,, and an adventure in power off.

My husband and I had a weekend of such an adventure, as I’m sure did many of you during the summer Gap Fire.

It was so hot at our house and yet we couldn’t open any windows or doors because of the raining ash. It felt like we were in the Congo. And once again,. we were reminded how much of our lives depended on a power source, and by that I mean electrical, not the Divine( which is another list altogether).

During the first weekend my routine went something like, go to Pilates (thank goodness all of the equipment uses only my own power), come home, shower, and eat something wilting from the “refrigerator.”

Then I read, did crosswords (still trying to do the New York Times puzzle in ink) and nap. Even my husband, “Mr. Hyper” napped. We staggered around kind of hot and stupefied, and napped. And when we got up we would just lie around on the couches and look forward to our next nap.

We have a beautiful Amish kerosene lamp that we lit every evening and dutifully admired and also two Coleman lanterns, ugly but quite functional. Then we played Scrabble, talked a lot more than usual, got stupidly hot, silly, and giddy, and let human nature take its course with us, as undistracted and eager for stimulation as we were. Then we’d nap again or just go to bed awfully early because there was nothing else to do.

I am fortunate to live in a neighborhood that is very safe and boring and we don’t even get trick-or-treaters on Halloween (much to my annual disappointment) much less fires forcing us to flee. When I went back to work on Monday, one of my clients told me I looked well-rested. Hate to make a vacation out of danger and tragedy but so it was in my dull part of town.

One evening about 9:30 a man with a flashlight knocked on our door. “Oh, no!” I thought. “I’m too sleepy to be evacuated.” It turned out it was the UPS man. There I was getting a present during an emergency. I swear, those UPS men are so dependable, they’ll be delivering packages at top speed even if we’ve all been forced to run. They and the cockroaches will out last a nuclear meltdown. I think I’ll buy stock in UPS.

I was so grateful to be safe and secure with my husband. I knew he would not let anything happen to me nor I to him. I was reminded at how easy it can be for all of us to take any circumstance and just plain have fun. (I royally beat him at Scrabble, by the way). I loved the unexpected pleasure of him reading to me by lamp light. I loved what our t.v.-free chats turned into when they were sparked with a frisson of anxiety, and the thrill of not knowing what was going to happen. And speaking of thrills, one thing you can always do that doesn’t need power but actually makes its own electricity…well you get the picture and probably did it too.

So, I figure we did #’s 9,8,7,2, and #1 on the list all because of a sadly-named fire.

Gee, I love being married. What comes from a little Amish lamp light between husband and wife.? Well, a lot.

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ABOUT WENDY ALLEN, Ph.D.

Wendy Allen, PhD, has been a psychotherapist for 20 years in Santa Barbara. Her PhD is in Clinical Psychology and Organizational Development. She travels across the country presenting programs for psychotherapists, health care professionals and business people who want to become leaders in the workplace, including anyone who wants to achieve personal and professional goals towards more success, fulfillment and profit.