In and Out of Lockdown
“It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times”
Charles Dickens
There are so many things my clients discovered about themselves and their partners during lockdown. Some had a fine time enjoying each other’s company all the more. To do this some couples got creative—played card games, board games, had a two-person book club, and made movie nights special.
Kids suffered during lockdowns. So did the adults. The good family times felt very special and kind of magic. The worst had to be reframed as, “at least everybody’s alive and fed.” The boredom, cabin fever and 24/7 got to many of us and stressed-out our families.
In many areas of the country, couples therapist’s business started booming. Many of my colleagues had waiting lists. Lockdown underscored the best and worst of ourselves and each other and many wanted to smooth out those rough edges.
My husband and I each worked from home and rarely bumped into each other during the day. Each evening started out with, “how was your day?” and we shared our ideas, stories, and insights for these moments. (Our kids are grown and are out of the house).
Before you think, oh that’s the perfect couple, I have to confess that our evenings have always been this way and will be long after lockdown is over. We also have had some of our worst fights in lockdown. Remember what I said about “the worst of us?” Well I could see very clearly that the stresses of lockdown and cabin fever raised our levels of impatience, frustration, and irritation with each other, too.
The Worst of Us is led by our child-like or Angry Teenager part. It is everything we were like in our irrational, needy, prove-a-point younger self. You remember being an Angry Teenager? What happens when you send in a Child to do an Adult’s job? Disaster. Fights are filled with rants, go circular, and don’t get resolved. Each of us are left with resentment and/or hurt.
Never put a child in the driver’s seat.
The Best of Us is led by our Wise Adult. We put the child in the back seat and let all our experience, strength and hope come forth. We listen carefully, repeat back what we’ve heard, and if true, find something to take accountability for.
All the good times come from the best of us. We can let things go enough to have some fun, take a breath, and move forward.
Authentic apologies cost us nothing.
A moment of praise, affection, and appreciation can lift the whole day up another level.
This is a historic, unprecedented time. Our levels of depression and anxiety of naturally risen. Our partners usually get the brunt of this. Just when I thought I had all the right moves down for a happy marriage, the high stress showed me I didn’t. So I have to remember to soften my frustrations and be a compassionate friend to my spouse.. I have doubled my attempts to holding him in warm regard, in being kind, calm, and patient. This works about 50% of the time. I focus on giving my husband a pass and the benefit-of-the-doubt, as I am sure he is doing for me! I keep my critical thoughts to myself. Most of the time.
One client used to love hearing her husband practice on his guitar. Now the extra noise drives her crazy. She is wisely keeping this to herself. She hopes this will pass and life get back to normal.
One senior began having erectile problems during lockdown. He too is hoping this will pass.
Challenge: Take the Best of Yourself from lockdown, the 2.0 and make that a new standard for a week. What would life be like?