Defensiveness breaks down relationships every time
Defensiveness is about the person being defensive, not the message that is being spoken.
Far too many people are hurt, angered, or shamed by feedback. All these responses make honest conversation difficult at best.
Defensiveness can be our protective device when we have long-running toxic shame stemming from our childhoods.
Feedback show us where we stand with others, how our behaviors are impacting others, and where we each need potentially grow. As such, feedback is a gift. When you shut down, get reactive, or incessantly defend your actions, you teach people that you’re not strong enough to handle feedback. This type of reaction teaches others that they cannot resolve even the smallest of issues with you.
So what can you do to improve upon this?
5 SHIFTS IN BEHAVIOR YOU CAN DO TO GET OUT OF DEFENSIVENESS:
Be mindful of how small you feel when being told a comment you don’t like.
Be aware that your Child - instead of your Adult - is at the wheel. Move the Child to the back seat.
Take a deep breath and try to calm the Child down.
Bring in your Adult to listen and respond, even if it’s “I don’t agree.”
Use a half boundary daily: Keep yourself protected by having a wall come up to your heart area. The rest of you is open and available for connection.
Being unaccountable and unable to look at how your actions impact others is a weakness, not strength. This type of behavior not only harms relationships. It also harms you. Over time, loved ones, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances alike will stop coming to you with their upsets regarding their actions. Instead, they will complain to others as they gradually pull further away from you.
Pretending you don’t make mistakes doesn’t fool others into believing that you don’t.
Find the strength to take in feedback and use it to grow. All human beings are imperfect. The bravest though, find the courage to hear about their imperfections and work on them.
Challenge
Stop defending against feedback and find the courage to take it in. When warranted, find the courage to be accountable for your actions, rather than get defensive.
Lisa Merlo Booth
c: Aug 2019
